It was past SweetPea’s bedtime, and I was fuming. I had a mile-long to-do list to tackle, but despite my best efforts, I just could not get her to go to sleep. She wasn’t fussy, she wasn’t defiant. She just wasn’t ready to let her mama go for the night.
I tried to calm myself. I tried being grateful. I thought about how I could rearrange my tasks to get the most pressing things done. None of it was making me feel better. And I’m sure SweetPea picked up on my frustration and anxiety, further making it difficult for her to sleep.
As I lay there getting more angry and feeling guilty about being angry, I thought popped in that reframed the whole situation. At first I pushed it away; I was too grumpy and wanted to hold onto my “right” to be angry at the situation.
But I didn’t really want to be angry. I wanted to enjoy the rest of my night. I wanted my little daughter to feel the deep love I have for her, and not the anger that comes from having too much to do. I don’t ever want her to feel like she is an obstacle in my way.
The words framed themselves in my head, and as I let them settle in, I immediately felt the change. I relaxed. I could cherish the fleeting moments of holding my drowsy but not ready to be put down daughter.
“What do I love about this moment?”
Simple, but profound. The answers flowed effortlessly through my head.
The smell of her hair. The way her hand gently rests on my as she nurses. The rhythm of her breathing. The way she fills up my arms and curls her body around mine. That right in this moment, she needs me and finds safety, joy, peace, and comfort in my arms.
Everyone says it: Enjoy these days, because they disappear so quickly. In that moment, I was able to really savor this childhood moment. To really enjoy exactly where I was, and not wishing I was somewheer else.
Yes, the dishes still needed washing. Email needed to be responded to, the bills still needed to be paid. But fretting over them wasn’t getting me any closer to getting them done.
Stopping to enjoy the moment didn’t give me more time. but it did make the most of the time I had. Instead of fretting and worrying, I could enjoy this moment, this everyday miracle of my baby growing up.