I wish just one person had told me this when I was pregnant! I spent our early weeks with Sweet Pea lulling her to sleep with long walks, bouncing, and singing to her. I diligently tried to lay her down “drowsy but awake” only to have her pop awake and need to go through the whole process all over again. Exhausting. I began to dread nap time!
Read almost anything about baby sleep (and nearly every new parent is busy looking for answers on sleep!) and the one nearly universal piece of advice is to not let baby fall asleep nursing. And it really is good intentioned advice. If baby falls asleep at the breast, at some point she will begin to associate nursing with sleeping, and may find it difficult to fall asleep without nursing. But both the composition of breast milk and the act of sucking (notice how many babies fall asleep with pacifiers!) are biologically designed to calm and soothe babies and help them fall asleep.
Yet I had absorbed our cultural notion that babies should learn to fall asleep without any “sleep props.” And it had worked well for every baby I’d taken care of previously. The trouble was, it wasn’t working for Sweet Pea. I tried to adhere to the pediatrician’s advice to put her down drowsy but awake. It worked precisely once. I had some small measure of success when I was able to pat her back to sleep after partially awaking when I transferred her from my arms to her bed. But getting her to sleep in the first place took FOREVER. She needed to be swaddled or carried in the SleepyWrap and walked around or held in our arms and bounced. On particularly bad nights, I would eventually breastfeed out of sheer desperation, but I always felt guilty about “cheating” or “taking the easy way out.”
At some point in those early weeks, I came to my senses and realized that breastfeeding to sleep WORKED for us. My knees and arms were much happier with the reduced need for bouncing, and Sweet Pea was much happier and easier to calm. It took me a long time, though, to be emotionally ok with it. I still felt like a cheater, a lazy mom, even a little bit of a failure. My one encouragement during that phase was knowing another mom who I really admire who also openly nursed her babies to sleep.
So if you find that you want to nurse your baby to sleep, or that it’s the easiest way (or only way!), give yourself permission. You won’t win any points from the sleep experts, but you will be one step closer to honoring your own inner wisdom.
What new parent advice did you eventually discard? How did you feel after you decided to go against the grain?
This is so true! I am glad you came to the realization that nursing to sleep is actually a great tool for us! I was so worried about this with my first baby too and even had my doubts again the second time around when it seemed like all my son wanted was to nurse back to sleep every time he woke. Eventually both of my kids went to sleep on their own so I think the “drowsy but awake” thing is not really needed.
Thanks for your comment, Jen! I initially had a hard time finding anyone who nursed to sleep, and TONS of die warnings about not doing it. Sometimes we just need to know that we are not the only ones.
For those Mothers who might need to hear this:
I had my first child this year (2016), and right at a time when we were smack in the middle of a very tight financial situation and a HUGE life change. We were living with my in-laws, one room for the 3 of us, husband being a light sleeper yet being the current provider AND looking to start school a couple months after the baby came. We planned to try everything we could (except CIO, as little one would be a newborn) to teach little girl to sleep at night as soon as possible. I did research on everything, and also came across the “don’t nurse to sleep” advice. As stated in the article, it always seemed presented as the number one cause of sleep problems later on. But Little One had her own agenda; I could not stop her from falling asleep while nursing at all! Even stripping her down and running a cool wash cloth over face and body would NOT disturb her while she was nursing. And I had so many long nights until I finally realized it was okay!
Like Amy, I finally found the research that talked about night milk and the biological soothing of sucking. I completely changed my approach and began deliberately nursing her to sleep. Even now it is my go-to approach at bed time (she is still under 6 months at this point). I love watching and feeling her relax in my arms; for naps, if I’m on the computer or going to be stationary while I do something, I will sometimes end up holding her the entire time. While there are always hard moments, overall my nights are so much easier when I nurse her to sleep (and safely bed share if she won’t settle around the witching hours). I imagine formula fed babies would in the same boat; remember when the old advice for (older) children not sleeping was to give them warmed milk or cocoa? Feeding to sleep is the baby version. 🙂
Another article I once read said “read your baby, not the books.” (African babies don’t cry, over at InCulture Parenting). So true! Read your baby, not what anyone else says. You do what you and your child or your family needs, whether any one else agrees or understands. You are not being a lazy parent or a bad parent if you are meeting their needs. (And you are not a bad parent for meeting your own needs).
Thanks for sharing, Nicole! One of my hopes is that we can begin to shift toward greater partnership with our kids! (I’m not advocating that parents and kids have the same roles. Think of dance parters: one leads and one follows, but both are equally important.)