Image courtesy of BK. CC BY-SA 2.0
Last night I blew it. Big time.
SweetPea was nursing, and she bit me. At 10 months old, she has 8 knifelike teeth in her little mouth. Though she rarely bites, it sometimes happens when she is a little overtired. Usually I handle it by giving her a teething toy.
But tonight I was just too tired to get up and get one from the living room. (I don’t know about you, but my worst parenting moments always happen when I’m tired or desperately trying to get something done.) So I offered her a blanket to chew on. That seemed to do the trick; she chewed it for a few minutes, then came back to me.
With her nursing drowsily, I started to drift off to sleep myself. Chomp! I unlatched her and she started crying. Afraid to wake her further, I immediately put her back on. And she immediately chomped me again.
And so I flicked her little mouth. “That hurts!” I said gruffly.
She started crying, and then I started crying.
The anger I had felt toward her biting quickly was replaced by anger toward myself. How could I hurt my baby girl? I knew better. Why didn’t I just get up to get the stupid teething toy?
I picked SweetPea up gently, cradled her in my arms and whispered, “I’m so sorry, sweetie. Mama loves you.” I hugged her, kissed her forehead, and layed down to nurse her. Fortunately, she went quickly to sleep.
I, however, was wide awake.
My husband came to bed a while later and saw I was still awake. “Are you worried about Chuck?” he asked. Unable to speak, I shook my head and layed it down in his lap. As the tears trickled from my eyes, I told him what I’d done.
He gave me a long hug, looked me in the eye, and said, “You are a great mother. SweetPea is lucky to have you as her mom.”
And I realized he was right. I am a good mom. I work hard to be attentive and supportive. The love I showed her day in and day out was not going to be overshadowed by a momentary lapse.
My husband’s compassion toward me helped free me from the anger, criticism, and fear that could have prevented me from finding a solution. I was freed to move forward in a new direction rather than replaying that failed moment over and over again. My compassion for myself helped me accept that I am never going to be perfect, but I can choose to learn and improve myself from these setbacks.
Even more importantly, I’m practicing for how to handle my daughter’s mistakes. I can model for her that mistakes are not the end of the world; we can recover from them, apologize for them, and reconcile without damaging the relationship. Shortcomings are part of being human; so is change and growth.
Today is a new day. SweetPea is happy as usual, no signs of resentment over my blunder. (Don’t you wish everyone was so forgiving?) I’ve thought up a few fun games to help her learn the difference between biting toys and biting people. I’ve planned a little downtime for myself.
And I permanently assigned a teething toy to the nightstand drawer.
When you make a parenting mistake today (or see a parenting mistake), how can you use compassion to transform the mistake into a growth opportunity? Share you examples in the comments.
This post was written for 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion, where bloggers from all over the world come together to talk about compassion on the 20th of each month.
The fact that you want to learn and improve shows that you ARE a good mom!!! Nobody is perfect. But willing to get better puts you right up there with the best of the best!!! Have a good weekend!
Thanks for the encouragement, Eva!
My kids are now 2 and 5 – so a bit older. When I make mistakes with them, like yelling over something when I should have kept my patience, I make a point of apologizing to them. I figure it shows them mom is human. It also teaches them to apologize when they misbehave. When I make mistakes that accidentally hurt – for example today I accidentally scratched my youngest when she was getting into her carseat due to her moving at the wrong moment – in addition to snuggles and apologizing, I also make it clear it was an accident. In this case the tears were forgotten in less than 2 minutes. But I hope the concept of these things sometimes being an accident isn’t forgotten- either in my case, or when they or others do things by accident. Being able to recognize intentions is often important in being able to forgive and show compassion.
So many good lessons! It’s sometimes tricky to teach kids to think about the intentions behind others’ actions (and even their own.) I read something that is stuck with me: always attribute the best possible motives that is consistent with the evidence.
Louise, I love that you mention apologizing! So many parents are afraid to do it because they think it makes them look weak, that they must maintain this mask of perfection at all times. What admitting our flaws to our children *actually* does is a) teach them it’s okay to make mistakes b) show them how to gracefully admit their own mistakes to others. If we show them only what we want them to see, they will learn to do that in their own lives. I, for one, am not perfect. And I make a point of making sure everyone else in my life hears me say that (especially when they’ve just experienced a reason why!)
Beautifully said, Katy!!
We’ve all been there where we reacted instead of responded. It’s definitely taken me practice to develop that pause, and even then I’m definitely not perfect. I’ve had so many moments when I felt so bad about hurting my kids. The awesome thing is that they are also some of the most forgiving people ever. They understand that all the good things we do more than makes up for the few fails we make!
I, too, am thankful that kids are so forgiving! I know that there will be many more mistakes on this journey; I’ll do my best to minimize the damage and repair the relationship as quickly as possible.
Oh how I have been there! With both of my kids so many times. The guilt is worse than anything. You describe this feeling and angst so well!
Jen, you are so right! Parenting guilt is so easy to fall into. I keep reminding myself that mistakes are going to happen, and that my daughter (and our relationship) is strong enough to handle it.
I was always spanked, hit or yelled at as a child. Therefore I try to not spank or yell at my kids because I want them to grow up compassionate and happy. Sometimes I’m tired or stressed and I tell or spank. It makes me feel like a horrible parent! I love this site and will try harder. When you’re taught one thing its hard to repeat, but it’s doable”
Krystle, Thanks for sharing so openly! Stress brings out the worst in us, doesn’t it? It IS hard to change, but like you said, it’s doable. And it’s so much easier when you have other people to lean on and share ideas with.
We are definitely going to make our share of mistakes as parents, and I think the way we handle them speaks so much more about the kind of people we are. You handled that well and apologizing teaches your baby an important lesson too.
Thanks, Julie! I’ve learned with experience that the occasional mistake isn’t scarring for kids. If you already have a good relationship with them and the majority of your interactions are positive and loving, they can take these infrequent upsets in stride. And unlike many of us, they find it easy to move on and not hold grudges!
We beat ourselves up so much as mothers. It is an exhausting job! And a lot of times we simply react to the situation at hand. It happens, but I know it hurts our “mama-hearts” when we do because we want to be that perfect parent for each of our children. You are right….it is important to meet each of those moments with compassion and grace for ourselves. We need to realize we are imperfect and not beat ourselves up so much when we don’t meet those perfect standards that we have set for ourselves. We are going to react or just flat out mess up at times but it doesn’t keep us from being good moms to our babies….. it just means we are human.
Yes, I think you captured it: we all want to be perfect for our kids!