Stress by Bernard Goldbach. License CC BY 2.0
People who experienced a lot of stress in the previous year had a 43 percent increased risk of dying. But that was only true for the people who also believed that stress is harmful for your health. People who experienced a lot of stress but did not view stress as harmful were no more likely to die. In fact, they had the lowest risk of dying of anyone in the study, including people who had relatively little stress.
~Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.
I’ve been mulling over this TED talk from Kelly McGonigal for days now. Everywhere I turn, it seems like someone is talking about how they need to reduce the stress in their lives. But Kelly gave the surprising advice that embracing stress is both healthy and simple.
While I encourage you to watch the video, I’ll give you the highlights. She says that stress is harmful because of its effect on the heart. It causes high blood pressure and damage to the heart muscles. But by understanding the body’s response to stress, believing that it’s good, and seeking support during stressful events, our body actually heals itself. How cool is that?
Kelly doesn’t specifically address kids, so I turned her advice into three ways that you can help your kids benefit from everyday stress.
Explain how the stress response helps prepare their body for action
Have your kids think about a time they were stressed. Maybe before a big test, when they got angry at someone, or when they were afraid.
Help them learn to recognize some of the physical changes that stress causes, and how those changes help them deal with the stressful situation.
- Pounding heart: Gets blood to the muscles so they can run, fight, or move heavy objects
- Red face and/or chest: Blood vessels dilate to get blood to the muscles
- Faster breathing: Provides more oxygen to the brain and muscles
And some effects they can’t see or feel
- Strengthens the immune system: Immune cells are produced and moved to the skin, lungs, and gut (places that are likely to get injured during fight or flight)
- Primes the brain for learning. That’s one reason why we can more easily remember highly emotional events.
Recognizing these signs of stress and seeing them as helpful rather than harmful is a key to making stress beneficial.
Be physically present when they are having a hard time
You may have already heard of oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone.” It’s produced when we fall in love, nurse a baby, or give someone a hug.
Our bodies also produce oxytocin in response to stress.
This protects our bodies by lowering blood pressure and helping the heart repair damage caused by stress.
And the more loving physical touch we receive, the more oxytocin our bodies produce. So the next time your child is upset, instead of sending them to their room, give them a hug or a massage. You’ll be helping heal the effects of stress on their body.
Ask, “How can I help?”
Oxytocin also causes us to seek support from caring people when we feel stressed. And one of the best ways to show support is to offer tangible help.
Rachel Macy Stafford describes in heart-warming detail how she received help from her sister during a difficult time in her life, then later used that example to help her own daughter cope with her own challenge.
“Asking, ‘How can I help?’ acknowledges someone’s struggle and lightens the load without pushing for further details or explanation.” Rachel says. It shows support, not judgement.
Give your child plenty of time to think of ways you can help, but if she’s stuck, offer some suggestions.
As much as we might like to, we can’t get rid of the stress in our lives or our kids lives. But we can help them deal with it, and in the process, strengthen our relationship with them.
What about you? Tell me in the comments: How can you change your perspective on stress? How will you use these three strategies when your kids are feeling stressed?
Oh this is definitely useful. I have never thought of thinking of stress in a positive light as everyone is talking about reducing stress levels and how it is getting to them. I think it is learning about how to handle the stress that is important and having someone there to support you. Unfortunatley, in my culture, when you are stressed, people are quick to criticise you as it is seen as a sign of weakness. I will definitely not be putting that on my kids.
I love it when seeing something from a different perspective helps! I’m sorry that your culture is not supportive of people experiencing stress. It’s a natural part of living, and such an opportunity to connect. So glad you are aware of this shortcoming and working to provide a healthier emotional atmosphere for your kids!
That is fascinating. I’ve never heard that stress can be helpful to children, but I love the process of teaching them to manage it. I particularly like the idea of asking them, “How can I help?” and letting them solve their own problem with assistance.
Yes! I’m always so impressed with how capable kids are and what solutions they come up with when we give them the space and support they need!
Thank you for the great tips!! My child has a severe anxiety disorder and we are always looking for ways to help her!
Ronda, we are fortunate to be living in a time when we are understanding more and more about the brain/body connection! What other ways have you found useful in helping your daughter’s anxiety?
I’ve found that thinking about stress makes me really feel stressed. I think it would help for kids not to focus on the stress but get involved in other things. Simple things like breathing, talking and touching can go a long way towards reducing stress.
Yes, breathing, talking, touching, and other physical things help ground us and reduce stress! Studies on mindfulness show that focusing on the body’s reaction to stress, without judging the mental state as bad, help bring the body back to a neutral state. Be careful about distracting kids from stress… if the “negative” emotions are not processed, they tend to “hide out” and come back magnified when the next stressor hits.
Great post. Acceptance of current emotions is another way to deal with stress. So often we immediately try to banish a negative thought/feeling. Accepting the emotion for what it is without judgement is a great way to turn the tables on stress. Think “In this moment I am feeling anxious/nervous/overwhelmed. Everyone feels this way sometimes. I know this moment will pass.”
So true, Jessica. Helping give our kids a name for the emotion they are feeling, and learning that it’s ok to feel that way, are so important for their emotional health.
This is great advice for when my baby gets older.
Congratulations on the new baby! You have so much to look forward to 🙂
This is a great post and love the tips. I can always tell when my little boy is stressed . I have taught him breathing and relaxation techniques . Thank you for sharing!
I love teaching deep breathing! It’s so helpful for kids, and a helpful reminder for us as well!
As a mother to a highly sensitive child, I use these strategies a lot in our day-to-day! Lots of things cause anxiety in my daughter that wouldn’t in most children. Now that she is older (4.5 years old), I’m trying to use the explaining strategy more and more so that she can better understand her body’s reactions and learn how to manage them.
Judith, I’m so glad you’ve found strategies to work with your sensitive daughter. Have you read The Highly Sensitive Child? http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Overwhelms-ebook/dp/B000FC1IJ0/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432035582&sr=1-1&keywords=sensitive+children
I have a child who is experiencing increasing anxiety recently. I will try some of this with him. I appreciate your offering a new way to look at stress!
Oh Leslie! I hope you are able to bring some peace to your anxious child. It’s always hard to see them struggle, isn’t it! If you want any suggestions/help brainstorming ways to help your child, drop me an email.
Fantastic advice on teaching children to manage something they will inevitably face. It’s unavoidable, and everything can be used to an advantage. Brilliant!
Thanks for the kind words, Kim!
These are great tips! By teaching kids how to deal with stress in this stage of life. I believe it will help them deal with it when they reach adult hood better. They will already be knowledgeable of ways to manage stress.
Yes! We give them good models now, and they will have so much less to unlearn later 🙂 It’s much easier to build good habits than to try to change bad ones.
As someone who’s not so good at managing stress, this is really helpful. I especially like the part about being physically present – always good to remember that being there is good for our children.
I love that we all have different strengths! For me, staying present physically is easy. And staying present emotionally with kids is usually easy for me. What stresses me out is conflict with other adults! I always want to keep the peace.
My tween just wrote about middle school and stress. I need to show these to her so she can utilize these tips to cope.
What a big topic for a tween! Hopefully she will find some useful strategies for dealing with her stress. It feels like kids have more stress these days than we did when I was growing up. I’m not really sure if that’s true or if it’s just a perception.
Hi Amy and Guests,
Great article about stress with children! Great techniques as well. Being a Massage Therapist and Wellness Advisor for 10 years (also part of ZTL), I’ve seen all kinds of different stress in kids and adults alike. Even personally experienced panic attacks and anxiety attacks with a life trauma about 8 years ago. Here is one of my favorite FREE apps out there available for Apple, Android, and Amazon users. I find it amazing for kids because of the “real time” images and sounds. Partnered with guided meditations and timed sessions to watch the imagery. Here’s the link: http://www.calm.com/
Enjoy and Stay relaxed!
Thanks, Julie! What a neat app. I love that you can choose your own sounds, as well as whether it’s guided.